::finally the bAd year of 2005 is gona pass soon... this is the most anticipated new year ever~ in my 22 years.. however.. plans for tml is still in a mess.. dunno.. wat to do.. whu to go out wif... where to do... got a funni feeling that its not gonna be super fun... not gonna spent it the way i wanted to... but nontheless.. the thot of ushering in 2006 has excited me oredi =)


tHere is no need for me to repeat how f**k up my life is... if you dunno.. well... jus pick ani of the previous post... more than likely will u be able to find a post that tok about "sWaY" things that happen in my life... tHo i keep saying "sWaY" here "sWaY" there.. but i dun denie that i do play a part in making my life as messy as it is now... SoOoooOoooOo these few days... since im back in camp... BUT with NOTHING to do... i've decided to make my time alittle more meaningful and productive...


i've thot about things that happen... did alot of self reflection... saw my life from a different light.... look at thing that bothers me now.. and *TaDa* i have come up with nEw yEaR rEsOLUtIoN 2006. Before i announce my resolution... let's look at wat's bothering me...



*nOtIcE: noT all pRoBlEms mEnTiOn abOve arE problems per say... sum are IsSues wHiCh tO mE are of gReAt iMporTanCe.. and will aFfEcT mY wELL beInG in the most harsh and direct WaY..


It start with this it will end with this... Work... basically i wun like to elborate wat actually happen this year in terms of my work... but now im in a new company.. blessed with a understanding OC and a very kind CSM.. wat can i ask for... so in terms of work.


Resolution
1) Be more delicated to my job
2) Put in effort to learn the ropes



Finance.. arhh... the problem child of my life... this year... in a series of unfortunate events... it has depleted my savings to neg.. plus a couple of bad debts that look like it haf write off my book.. i guess i haf to SERIOUSLY start saving... guess i have to jus quit alot of things.. and i mean it.. to get the accounts back to black...


Resolution
1) Quit ******* (cant guess? too bad!)
2) Quit cH*o*iNg
3) Quit dR*iN*iNg
4) saVe $*** per mth



Faith... sigh.. a disappointing aspect.. and to a point whr im jus too afraid n ashame to even admit that im a Christian.. i might look hack care on the outside.. but deep down im realli upset about the way i have become... gEeZ... so in this aspect.. i guess this is wat im going to do


Resolution
1)FiNish "pUrPosE dRiven lIfe"



Let's c... hmm next will be the weight prob... haha... actually i doesnt realli bothers me very much.. but... umm... for sumone... i guess i'll jus try to cut down ...


Resolution
1) Jog 3 times a week
2) Eats less =0



Ha~~ studies.. well well... gota plan for this soon... waiting for the time... waiting for things in the army to settle down.... but will start this year no matter wat... so...


Resolution
1)Reg for the ChFC course




Family... hmm... relationship has been strained due to all those happenings all year round.. guess my parents is more of worried than angry wifz me... trying very hard to mend bac the confidence....


Resolution
1) Spend more time at home
2) Keep to the above mentioned resolution



Relationship.... hmm... alot of pple say... relationship actually forms a very small part of one's life.. cos there are many more other things in one's life... true and not true... true in a way it actualli forms quite a small part... however.. this small part actualli affects a veri big part of one's life... especially true for me... so.. the reason it become one of the "problem" i guess is because it is always a challenge to keep the fire burning... to not take each other for granted.. to brave the watever storm thats coming... to be understanding... sensitive to one's need n feeling... been thru alot this year.. i gain n i lost... im not going to let it jus slip away jus liddat.. i gona defend it wif all i have...


Resolution
I've oredi told her about it.. =P all im gona say is im gona teng her more~~~::

.:[D]@nI3L blogged on 4:56 PM:.
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::life is a gamble... its not that i nvr bet on anything before... in fact everyone is "betting" everyday.. they "bet" on taking bus in a certain situation is faster... they "bet" on a certain way of study yeild a higher score.. they "bet" on takin which route is safer at night..


The fact that i use the word "bet" is exactly becos.. nothing is this world is certain.. not even sunrise.. quoted from some pple... our sun is gona burn out in like how many million years.. of cos it does affect us thus nobody realli care... sunrise is still an everyday affair.. however there is still sum uncertainty isnt it..


to minise the impact of losing any "bet".. pple will choose the option with the lowest risk... for example.. having to know that there is a massive jam in CTE.. most prob pple will get a train down to town rather than taxi.. logical isnt it... we were brought up this way.. so for the simpliest thing we will follow the low risk "bet".. and most pple jus made these decision w/o even thinking much about it cos the answer to which to choose is jus so obvious...


however at times... i jus felt stupid... illogical... crazy... dumb... cos as i grew up... esp in this one year... i go for "bets" which is of high risk... high return... but yet high emotional cost.. to a point that i start to wonder if i can really handle the loses if i din win the "bet" ... been on a losing streak since the start.. isnt looking promising... but the "bet" jus get bigger... hated the feeling....


pple have been trying to pull me back... stick to that low risk "bet" they say.... but i thot... at times im winning... y gif up? my heart jus refuse to let go... sucKz... when the heart and mind starts to differ in decisions.. it jus means that i will suffer no matter the outcome...


f**k... wat a life i haf... jus kill me... ::

.:[D]@nI3L blogged on 1:00 AM:.
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::for sum reasons i couldnt slp... yup.. tho i promise to slp.. and she is prob slping soundly... visiting lalaland... she needed the slp aniway.. with "pimps" popping out here and there.. getting enff rest is the best remedy i guess..


going thru my mind.. so wats depriving me of my precious sleep... no answers came up... so issit that i realli dunno... or i jus dun dare to face it... as we grow older.. u jus find that u start to decieve urself more n more isnt it? growin up is tough.. do you agree... hmm... c.. im feeling negative again.. sumtimes i really wonder.. who bother to read my blog..


its not interesting.. its full of my own negative thinking.. at times i dun even know if its rite or wrong... but i guess its jus an avenue to express myself.. a way to destress.. typing... or old fashion writing a dairy does the same thing... to say out things... so one doesnt bottle up their feelings and at the same time provide yourself with a time to self reflect..


saw a mtv.. a very touching one... tho its not the first time i come across the mtv.. but i dunno y i actualli felt alot toward it this time... the mtv goes like this...


a photographer is going on his usual rounds trying to find a theme for his picture.. when he come across a very sweet looking gal... unable to hold bac.. he snaps a foto of this angelic looking gal... not wanting to being rude...he went up to offer the gal a foto of her after its developed...


sOoN.. they became an item.. sharing many good times tgt.. taking fotos.. the gal enjoyed being his model while the guy tries his best to capture the most beautiful moments offered by the gal... they spent their time tgt.. watching sunsets.. walking down rows of pine trees.. strolling down the beach.. everything was perfect..


oNe day.. while the guy is developing his fotos.. the gal offered to help.. he sent her for a bottle of solution on top of the rack.. accident happened.. she slipped.. and the solution go into her eyes.. panickly the guy sent her to the hospital... onli to find that she will be blind for the rest of her life if there is no cornea transplant done... couldnt stop blaming himself for the accident... he packed and left the gal...


once discharged... the gal tho blinded.. when back to the apartment... was told by the next tenent that the previous owner has oredi move out.. heartbroken and convinced that the guy left her for her disability.. she sat down crying having flashbacks of the good times thay shared.. but all is too late...


sOoN after... good news came.. the hospital has found a suitable cornea for transplant.. the operation was a success.. the gal recovered fully.. she carried on with her life.. got a bf.. and the photographer was a matter of the past...





down the bustling street... there sat a blind guy... sittling alone.. holding on to a tattered photo of him and his ex gf... he has chosen to give up his sight.. his love for photography.. his dreams.. his future.. his love of the gal he cared for ever so dearly.. in exchange for her happiness... her life... her dreams...



the one you love will always take a centre stage in your life... even if it means to gif up everything thats impt.. sacifices that the other party never knew... it doesnt matter... as long as they are happy.. all things im jus willing to bear.. true love...thats true love...::

.:[D]@nI3L blogged on 1:24 AM:.
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::pHeW~~ fInally.. the new blogskin has come into effect.. any comments?? took me quite awhile to get it up.. need to put in the fotos.. blah blah blah... personalise here n there.. add song.. disable the right click button... wAh~~ its a whole load of work..

Slpt thru my whole day.. literally.... woke up at ard 1.. msged HER.. aft a few smses.. i collapse into deep sleep again.. only to wake up at 430.. n the best thing is im suppose to reach church at 430...

Lucky and unlucky... Luckily the song leader 2day is my mum.. but thats also the unlucky part! iF it were sumone esle... i would haf pple toking behind my back.. wanted to tell me off.. but dun dare.. its good not to haf pple toking behind ur back in a church.. words can kill.. so im glad its my mum.. at least i know she wun tok behind my back.. lol.. but on the other hand.. she made no effort to hide her displeasure.. geez.. guess everything has its trade offs...

went straight home aft church.. din even wait to go dinner wif the rest of the company... they were hafing rehersal.. doesnt bother me.. im gona haf BOS duty in camp anyway.. my heart was not there.. wanted to get my new blogskin up asap...

wELL.. aft 4hrs of staring at the computer... looking thru countless skin.. i finally settled on this one.. plain.. simple.. has its potential to mod... added a few pics.. not professionally done but.. it still took me a hell lot of time.. haha~~

so.. y am i alone 2 nite...

sumone went mj ler.. wif her jIemEi..

not bad rite.. quite a good hand... yah.. hand.. not hand....

so i asked her.. did u win... the answer is no... so sad... there goes her promise of a $2 chicken rice deal if she win..


no matter wat... sportsmanship is very impt... who likes a sore loser.. obviously she is not... jus look at that smile.. so can i still haf the chicken rice even if u lose?


feLt sO rELiFt nW.. wHeThEr its juS a bEaThER oR tHiNgS iS jUs gOnA gEt bEtTeR.. wIf hEr aRd.. i cAn tAkE oN bIgGeR tHiNgS nOw::

.:[D]@nI3L blogged on 12:09 AM:.
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::Love. wats love... the defination of this word actualli left me dumbfounded for quite awhile... searching for an answer.. Tried asking alot of pple.. many pple told me it is a kind of feeling.. Sum pple say is self sacrifice...

to me i guess the meaning of love is the willingness to __________ Yup... fill in the blank yourself... I once told sumone... cos i love you so much that im willing to let you go... sounded noble? sounded fake? but that how i felt.. if she might be happier leaving me she can jus go.. n im willing cos i love her...

This defination doesnt onli apply to bgr.. it can.. in my view apply to all kinds of love.. parent's love for their child.. so they are willing to save up for the child... willing to pamper the child.. notice the word willing? True love i guess, will always contain the word "willing", for one who truly love, is one who is willing.

*Notice: However "One who is willing, might not be the one that truly loves. In this present chaotic world.. pple jus haf too many hidden agenda.. cant simply put trust on any tom dick or harry or hairy.

An example of love...

she love her hand.. so she is willing to paint her nails... lol...

for her:

my love for you <3

i'm thinking of you
day and night
even though you don't speak a word
your voice is still in my head
do you know i think of you everyday?
do you even know my love for you?

i wish you knew how much i love you...

writing down my thots
about you is the only
thing that i can do

My love for
you will never end,
you'll always be
a part of me
as long as time
keep on passing by

for it's all
about you.

True love is putting your loved ones on the centre stage and not yourself..::

.:[D]@nI3L blogged on 11:11 PM:.
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::happen to stumble upon an article.. kinda touch me... having to walk thru so much this year.. i was hoping that all things that i went thru is by the grace of God.. for he has planned a beta future for me.. to those who is surprise.. let me remind u all.. im a christian! yah.. dun look like one rite.. but i am n i believe... however i do admit that in this one year.. there are instances when i jus felt like crap...

Some years ago on a hot summer day in south
Florida a little boy decided to go for a swim in the
old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to
dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door,
leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.

He flew into the water, not realizing that as he
swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator
was swimming toward the shore. His mother in the
house was looking out the window saw the two as
they got closer and closer together. In utter fear,
she ran toward the water, yelling to her son as
loudly as she could. Hearing her voice, the little
boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim
to his mother. It was too late. Just as he reached
her, the alligator reached him. From the dock, the
mother grabbed her little boy by the arms just as
the alligator snatched his legs. That began an
incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator
was much stronger than the mother, but the
mother was much too passionate to let go. A
farmer happened to drive by, heard er screams,
raced from his truck, took aim and shot the
alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the
hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were
extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the
animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches
where his mother's fingernails dug into his flesh in
her effort to hang on to the son she loved.

The newspaper reporter, who interviewed the boy
after the trauma, asked if he would show him his
scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with
obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at
my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I
have them because my Mom wouldn't let go."

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have
scars, too. Not from an alligator, but the scars of a
painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly
and have caused us deep regret. But, some
wounds, my friend, are because God has refused
to let go. In the midst of your struggle. He's been
there holding on to you.

The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are
a child of God. He wants to protect you and
provide for you in every way. But sometimes we
foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not
knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life
is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is
waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war
begins - and if you have the scars of His love on
your arms be very, very grateful. He did not and will
not ever let you go.

Never judge another person's scars, because you
don't know how they were made.::

.:[D]@nI3L blogged on 2:04 PM:.
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::Sky came crashing and the star is gone.. not all is lost but looking at my luck this year.. certain things are inevitable..

Y is it that this year i dun have a single say in my own bloody miserable life!! ITS MY LIFE!!! and WTF is pple having a larger say over wat i can do wat i cant... never never look so forward to chinese new year... a new year a new start thats wat they say.. might not see the sun by then..

pple say lets HOPE for the betta.

"hope" a kind of force that keeps pple working... chasing their dreams.. putting up with hardship.. all in all to jus exchange for wat they "hope" for... pple is willing to put up with alot... "hope" is the very element that keeps people going.. keeps the world go round... "hope" can make a person happi..

I am without "hope". I dun dare to hope.. even for the slightest thing that i hope for... it never come true.. a simple outing.. an answer.. let alone big and major things which i deem is important in my life.. nothing go my way.. nothing turn out right for me..

Im tired... fighting for the things that i want... the harder i try... the further they are away from me.. the more i want n yearn for it.. the more things will happen and come between...

my fastration... anger and resentment towards my life has finally reached a point where im issuing a veto to it... I TELL U... Life.. Fate or watever fark U are... oNe more farking move from u to disrupt my oredi mess up life! i wun hesitate to jus end it with u! u took my career... my relationship.. my money... my relationship with parents.. wat the fark more do you want！！！ all i have now。。 is jus this miserable life.. U wan it? Tk it den! anyway im a guy whu is left with nothing..

SHIT U!! LIFE's A BITCH!! jus get the hell away from me~~ leave me alone...::

.:[D]@nI3L blogged on 1:39 PM:.
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::got sum bad news frm camp 2day.. guess i'll be under fire again when im back in camp.. cant imagine wat will happen.. sigh... that makes the first regret of my life.. to be part of the army family.. nothing can be change nw.. jus hope that i can ride thru the waves...

the star is shining ever so brightly now.. luv the star.. love the light.. love the warmth..::

.:[D]@nI3L blogged on 4:07 PM:.
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